Elephant Larry is kind of proud to present Issue #2 of a new regular column concerning feline upkeep, brought to you by the very well-meaning Jeff Solomon.
Welcome back to our website! It endlessly pleases me to present you with the next piece of Cat Corner, the only column written pacifically for those of you bitten with the Cat Bug. Look for a new Cat Corner every Alphabet Month, which means every 26 days (of course).
The response to the first issue of Cat Corner was truly whelming. I was flooded with all kinds of requests: to answer more technical questions about cats, to answer more real questions about cats, to think before I write, to stop writing Cat Corner, etc. In the end, I decided that my only real choice for this issue of C.C. would be to go back to the roots of the cat; to dig through cat history, debunking ridiculous untruths and rebunking new ones. So here we go; let’s talk cat!
Cat Corner Too: A Brief History of Cats??
Johnny X writes:
Dearest Jeff,
How far back in history do Cats go? Is it true that Cats were worshipped by the Egyptians?
Dear Johnny,
“Cats” is only capitalized at the beginning of a sentence, Johnny X. But let’s move on; after all, this isn’t Grammar Gorner, it’s Cat Corner.
Though it is true that cats are very old, I highly doubt that cats go all the way back to the time when Egypt existed. Personally, I find books about cats to be extremely boring and stupid; I’ve always said that you can learn a lot more about a cat by petting its beautiful fur.
That being said, some basic facts are always worth knowing, and that’s what this issue of C.C. is all about. Unfortunately, there have been no archaeological or biological breakthroughs as of yet that can help us figure out how long cats have walked the earth. So I will estimate that cats, also known as felines, go back at least 300 years or so, when the surface temperature of the earth was hot enough to cause the first cat eggs to hatch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Johnny X, I know what you’re about to say: “Well, what came first then, the cat or the egg?” I just told you: the egg. So don’t even say it.
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Paddy Chayevsky asks:
Jeff, I sincerely need to know something. At what point in time did cats evolve from their larger ancestors, such as tigers, lions, cougars, etc.?
Dear Paddy,
As always, Paddy Chayevesky, you have things completely backwards. (By the way, did you realize that your name would be perfect for an adorable Russian cat?*) Let’s straighten you out, shall we? Cats did not evolve from tigers. Both animals still exist, so how can one evolve from the other? Duh. Furthermore, tigers are larger than cats. Even the most dumb amateur scientist could deduce that cats grow into tigers, if not properly handled. This is why all cat owners must always remember to feed their pet a size pill every day. Tigers are seriously huge, and although not dangerous, they can be a nuisance to any pet-lovers that have limited living space. Paddy, I sincerely hope this answers your question.
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Clyde F types:
Hey, Jeff, love the Corner. I’ve had a question about cats for a long time. They say cats always land on their feet, right? But what if the cat has extra feet attached to its head?
Dear Clyde,
What?
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Yvonne U writes:
Jeff – I have a burning cat question. How did the superstition develop about black cats crossing one’s path? Thanks!
Dear Yvonne,
First of all, if I ever see you burning a cat, I will kill you in the face.
Now then, about the black cat thing: this superstition is the by-product of a huge misunderstanding. As the oft-told fable goes, Connor Sims was walking down a deserted city street on a dark and stormy day, when a cat crossed his path, its coat the very color of tar. And a piano fell on Connor’s head.
Over the years, this simple tale has been mutilated by translation, transcription, musical adaptation, etc. By now, it is nearly impossible to find the story in its original form. But thanks to a little pal named Google, Jeff Solomon has the facts. First of all, the man’s name was Conner Sims, not Connor Sims. Second, it wasn’t a piano; it was an anvil. So the original moral of the story had nothing to do with fearing cute little black cats. It had to do with fearing anvils, which obviously don’t exist and have appeared in scary stories for as long as the Boogeyman, Freddy Krueger and James Bond. So there you have it, Yvonne. And seriously – if you ever burn a cat, you won’t live to see my next birthday party.
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Well, all this cat chat has tuckered me out. I hope you’ve enjoyed this educational trip down Cat Lane as much as I have. Time for me to head out to the pet store so I can stare longingly at pretty kittens. Keep those cat questions coming, and I’ll cat-ch up with you in 26 days or so!
With Love,
Jeff Solomon
*The only other perfect Russian cat name in existence happens to be Vladi-meow Nabo-cat.
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