These Are a Few of the Things That I Hate

or Ten Things That Would be Excluded from my List if Forced to Sing Rodger & Hammerstein's "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music, Brief Explanations Included

1) Raindrops on Roses
Raindrops are balls of dust wrapped in dirty, dirty water, waiting to make me wet and sneezing and sick. Also, if I'm looking at raindrops on roses, it probably means it's raining or just stopped raining and that means I'm probably wet and uncomfortable and sad and no thank you.

2) Whiskers on Kittens
Just to clarify: not every member Elephant Larry quivers with delight at the slightest mention of a stupid kitten. From my limited scientific knowledge, whiskers are creepy nerve extensions that make kittens and other felines more aware of how long their fat faces are while sticking them into small boxes or other places they generally shouldn't be sticking their fat faces. The only reason whiskers would EVER be one of my favorite things is because they'd remind me of how evolutionarily superior I am to those stupid, stupid beasts. Hey cats, when you finally grow some thumbs, click on this link: kinesthesis.

3) Brown Paper Packages Tied up with Strings
Bombs, anyone? Does anyone want a fucking bomb because she's talking about a fucking bomb.

4) Crisp Apple Strudels
Why don't you try apple pie, you fucking terrorist.

5) Cream Colored Ponies
Cream colored ponies get dirtier than darker colored ponies and I'm almost positive that washing ponies sucks.

6) Doorbells and Sleigh bells
Sleigh bells, huh? Because they remind you of Christmas time? 'Cause they mean Santa is coming? Well, maybe if Santa's hordes of Scandinavian ancestors had attached sleigh bells to their raiding fleets of war, thousands of innocent villagers would've had a bit of warning before being ruthlessly raped and slaughtered. If you're a person who lists sleigh bells as one of your favorite things, I invite you to take any extras I may have lying around the house. And while you're at it, come on over and get that fat, Scandinavian fuck off my Christmas tree. Doorbells are great.

7) Schnitzel with Noodles
"Schnitzel" (not unlike "Strudel") is one of those "foreign" words that makes a certain sect of goofy, talentless Americans think they have the right to slip into annoyingly inaccurate foreign accents in hopes of impressing people like me who already hate them. Also, see #4.

8) Wild Geese That Fly with the Moon on Their Wings
Unless these are giant-space-geese with wingspans of 2,200 miles who can fly through a vacuum and carry an entire planet on their bare backs, I'm uninterested.

9) Girls in White Dresses with Blue Satin Sashes
Unless these are giant-space-virgins with wingspans of…never mind.

10) Snowflakes that Stay on my Nose and Eyelashes
When the melting point of water is raised so far above 32 degrees that a single flake of snow is able to withstand the near-100 hundred degree heat emitted by the human nose, our species will be in the middle of a hopeless, eternal winter. And I, my friends, will be on my giant-space-goose flying to the moon. Good night.