Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

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Features --> Ask an Elephant

Archives: January, 2003

(1-30-03)
Hans Blix asks: Hey Elephant Larry, I am desperately in need of a good laugh. Inspecting weapons in Iraq, while exotic, has failed to match my entertainment expectations. Do you have any suggestions?

Elephant Larry answers: Hans, buddy! Sorry it's taken me so long to getcha back. I know you've been busy with your introspections or whatever, but I've been REAL busy doing REAL stuff, like promoting my HA! Festival show on February 8th. Speaking of which, if you want some entertainment, why doncha come out and support your local Elephant? And don't tell me you're too busy, I ain't buyin' that crapola.

So you need some entertainment... Well, if you get tired of trying to say your last name backwards (believe me, I haven't), I would check out the Ultimate Hans Blix Fan Page. I bet you didn't know how many people are interested in checking out the hottest Blix photos around, not to mention red-hot info on your side career as a pro racer. Click here, Blixy! That should keep you occupied and happy for a good few minutes. And if that doesn't do the trick, let me know, and I'll send you a text message with the addresses of a few good Iraqi pubs. I'll find you the best pint of Guinness in the Middle East, howzat sound? Alright, HB, I'll smell ya l8r.

(1-30-03)
Bex answers: Hey Elephant Larry, Chris may be your cutest member, but Geoff is your super-duper coolest member. We're sure the other guys have redeeming qualities as well, but we here in Phanville want to send a very special thank you to Geoff for being such a pleasant pachyderm. Next time you're doling out hay (or whatever it is you elephants digest with 40% efficiency), could you give him an extra helping? This assumes that he's still in the group--if you decided to kick him out, he's dead to us. Thanks!

Elephant Larry asks: Hey Bex, Could you give a pretty complete summary of all the "Ask an Elephant" answers up to this point? Thanks.

(1-14-03)
Geoff asks: Hey Stefan, Am I still in the group? I vaguely remember you guys kicking me out, but I dunno if it was a dream or not. See ya soon...maybe.

Stefan answers: Geoff, compadre, buddy, pal!

No, no. Of course you're not kicked out of the group. Don't be ridiculous. We just haven't been having any meetings, and you know, it's the holidays -- everybody's so busy and running around, who has time for a sketch comedy group, right? I mean, sure, maybe a couple of us, like, say, four of us, hung out for, um, dinner one night. And read a couple of skits to each other. But nothing major. Trust me, it's not like we're about to do a show on the 8th of February or nothing. Haha! The very idea. Well, see you around! I'll let you know next time we're meeting. Scout's honor!

P.S. Don't e-mail me again.

(1-13-03)
RDK asks: Hey Elephant Larry, I was under the impression that this was a pornographic comedy troup. Is this or is this not the case?

Elephant Larry answers: Sigh. We knew that sooner or later, the past would come back to bite us. You know, you wake up every morning thinking, "Today is the day someone will discover that, before I became famous, I starred in some lesbian snuff flicks." But it never happens.

So you become cocky. Too full of yourself. You leave video copies of "Elephant Hairy," and "Unshaven Elephant Sluts," lying around the floor after shows, almost DARING people to find you out. And then, one day, when you least expect it, someone asks you that question, and you have to answer truthfully.

Yes, Geoff Haggerty was in a lot of porn films. A LOT. I mean, you look at Ron Jeremy's career, and he's nothing compared to Geoff. We thought long and hard (oops! Not that way!) about letting Geoff into the group. And we decided, a person can change. So we let him join.

And here we are, five days later, and Geoff hasn't made a single pornographic film. We're proud of him, and we think you should be too. So thanks for asking, RDK. Thanks for revealing the truth, for it shall set you free. I'm sure Geoff feels better, now that you know his porn name is Giraffrey Sparkles, and he was once arrested for transporting minors over state lines. Sure of it.

(1-08-03)
TD asks: Hey Elephant Larry, umm, doesn't it make the rest of Elephant Larry uncomfortable that Chris gets so much attention for being "so gosh darn cute" -- I mean, come ON, he eats puppies! I think the rest of you boys should cut him good..we'll see who's gosh darn cute without that face of his...

Elephant Larry answers: TD! We love Chris! He's a great guy, very funny, a good writer, and more than that, a good person. On the other hand, as a faithful Elephan, we don't want to upset you, so we should probably cut him. This is a very difficult request. Let me ask Chris to see what he thinks:

Elephant Larry asks: Hey Chris, is it okay if we cut your face off? It's for a fan.

Chris answers: Anything for a fan.

Elephant Larry continues: Okay, well there you have it, TD. Consider him cut. And who loves you? Elephant Larry loves you. Poor Chris. Here, eat a puppy, Chris, you'll feel better. OH MY GOD! Chris ate the puppy, and his face regenerated. That's amazing. I think the moral of the story, TD, is that Chris is some sort of super-human cute machine, and we should all just learn to enjoy his cuteness. And that's one to grow on.

(1-06-03)
The Truth asks: Hey Geoff, I and Mrs. Truth want to reserve tickets for next weekend, but we are really scared by pop-up windows, things that have "smart" as a prefix, and raccoons. Can a raccoonophobe catch a break, or what?

Jeff answers: Hi Truth. First things first, this is Jeff, not Geoff. I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to Geoff or me, but I'm answering 'cause I handle ticket reservations and box office and all that hoo-wow. Unfortunately, we can't reserve you tickets because we're not in charge of the box office for this show, because it's part of the HA! Fest. And if you ask Geoff, he'd tell you the same thing. And if he didn't, he'd be lying his racoony little butt off. I'd love to reserve tickets for you, but if I did, the HA! people would come to my apartment and shoot me in the face.

(1-03-03)
Stefan asks: Hey Alex, Can I borrow your coffeemaker? Mine's broken.

Alex answers: Stefan! Of course you can! I don't really use it, since I don't like coffee. Though strangely, I love coffee-flavored desserts and drink items. Isn't that weird? I mean, I'll drink coffee if I'm having brunch or something, but otherwise I prefer a good latte, or mocha, or perhaps a Brownie Crème Caramel Frappuccino. In fact, I think I'm going to Starbucks right now. Thanks for the great idea, Stefan! You da bomb, yo.