You see, Mr. Koktostin, I'm a bullet-eating jeff. Bullet-eating jeffs sustain a regular diet like normal humans, except they must also ingest a minimum of 3 bullets every day (or 1 large shotgun shell). Whereas a meal of bullets may not sound appetizing to you, Jon, jeffs like me can actually become bullet-starved, experiencing crippling withdrawal symptoms such as blurred vision, blurred hearing, and a blurred sense of smell.

The biological origin of my intestinal bullet deficiency is unclear, but it seems to bear some chemical similarities to an ancient condition known as Arrow Cravings.

Life as a bullet-eater isn't easy for city-dwellers like myself. Social acceptance is difficult, and since bullet-eating jeffs cannot self-medicate, it is a constant struggle, because I have to befriend people who will shoot me. Often, I find that my closest friends, those people who are kind enough to help feed me, are mistaken for criminals and sent to prison.

After much emotional exhaustion from losing so many loved ones to our country's penal system, Elephant Larry was formed as a cover operation for my dietary sustenance. Staging my daily shootings is a simple but elegant disguise for a procedure that helps keep me alive and well, and in the process, we are able to entertain audiences as a secondary benefit.

Our Elephant Larry "shows" provide plentiful examples of how my friends devise creative means to keep me healthy as my dietary needs fluctuate with the seasons. Our Winter 2002 performance of "The Precinct" was planned in order to help me through a particulary rough nutritional phase. The scent of bullets in the air that year was quite intoxicating, and my body started requiring increased feedings.

We developed a crime-related scenario to facilitate the extensive use of firearms, creating a scene in which I am shot for no reason at the very beginning of the show. Near the end of the hour-long performance, I was already becoming starved again, so we constructed "Leg, Penis, Head" to involve four gunshots to my person. "Leg, Penis, Head" taught me that it is not necessary that I receive all bullets directly into my gastrointestinal tract.

The nutrients I receive from pistol bullets are easily absorbed through the leg or penis as well. However, eating bullets directly is the safest and most natural way for me to feed, hence the recent creation of our new sketch, "Shoot in Mouth." For those who have not yet witnessed it, this bullet-feeding scenario can currently be observed as part of our Boatship "show," which will be demonstrated on April 10th and 17th.

Since I have now been outed as a bullet-eating jeff, I feel I have no choice but to provide useful information on the nature of my species. I hope I have begun to accomplish that goal in this reply to your cunning, insightful question.

Signed,

You know how much everybody hates Geoff, how horrible a person he is. But you also know about his great and terrible powers. If he gets mad, God help us all... He could destroy the whole world.

So you need to get past everything. His constant sneer. The way he's always strangling puppies. The smell that radiates off him so strongly, its almost as if he has cartoon stink-lines.

You need to get past all that, and save the world. Because if Geoff gets even the tiny bit perturbed, he'll unleash his power bolts and fry us all into a crisp.

Right now, he's crying, and those acid tears are burning a hole in the infrastructure of the city. If Geoff wasn't such a hideous, powerful monster, I wouldn't ask you to do this. But Anonymous, you're the only one he really likes. You're the only one who calms the mind of this savage beast.

Do the right thing, Anonymous, or I'm sure lightning bolts will fly from Geoff's ears, instantly frying a baby, perhaps, or some sort of world leader.

Do it for your country. Save us all. Anonymous. Save us. All. Of us. Anon. Ymous. Oh. N. OGeoff is. Messing with. My ability to structure a sentenc. E qui. Ckly! He. LP! HEEEE. EEEEE. EEEEE. EEEELP!