BRAND NEW SHOW May 2, 9, 16
You people are sick and should be ashamed. We will be at your next show picketing this disgusting display of indifference towards a beloved creature and will not stop until Larry is liberated.
Don’t worry, Larry. We’re coming for you. This horrific experience will all be over soon.
How can any of you sleep at night? Elephant Larry answers: Hey PETA! First of all, thank you so much for looking out for me. I really appreciate it. Especially since you guys must be so busy, doing important stuff like photographing naked women and all. But actually, I'm doing okay. When I first came to New York off the train, I was all alone, didn't know how I would make money. Sure, I wanted to be a big Broadway star, but I guess sometimes things work differently. I first met Stefan when I was rooting through a garbage can, looking for peanuts. He said he could give me a nice place to stay, and he did. He fed me, and kept me warm. Sometimes, he came to me in the middle of the night, but I didn't think too much of it. He gave me something, and I gave him something back. That's when he introduced me to Chris. Chris was different. He wasn't as nice as Stefan, he was rougher. There was something dark and.. almost deadly in his eyes. Sometimes, he would take me out and make me wear banners promoting his latest show. One time, I came home crying to Stefan, but he said it was okay, Chris was his friend, and he owed him a lot. Just promoting one little comedy show couldn't hurt. I stopped crying, and Stefan fed me some mice. Before I knew it, though, something had changed. Stefan stopped treating me well, and it seemed like I was promoting a different comedy show every month. I was always with one of the guys, Alex, Geoff, or Jeff... It didn't seem to matter which, they were all basically the same. Except for Chris, and his dark, deadly eyes. It was Chris that suggested they make me their logo. And by that time, I didn't care. I had long since lost my dreams of Broadway stardom, and accepted my life of being a logo/mascot. Stefan didn't even look at me anymore when we made love. He'd just have sex with my trunk and leave. So PETA, it's all right. I'm all right. I don't believe in dreams anymore, or love. But I do know that someday this monotonous promotional life will end, and I'll be in elephant heaven. You ask me how I sleep? I don't sleep, PETA. I don't sleep at all.
Cypher, the only New Mutant without an action oriented power (he could translate any language), and Warlock, the shape shifting alien, were both the most outcast of all. But when they combined into the powerful Douglock, they kicked butt! And won the love of the werewolf Rahne.
I'm sorry, was the question, "How awesome are the New Mutants?" Because I think that's the question that was answered.
Since you are an eager beaver, and asked so nicely, I will let you know what we've decided the show WON'T be called:
So, Beav, what do YOU think about the name of the show? You can discuss it in the infrequently visited, but awesomely cool Elephant Larry Fan Forums. We'd love to hear your feedback. And eat your sweet, sweet, honey. Oh wait, that's Bees.
Dame Louise was what they call a "steak cow" or a "cow to be made into steak" or an "I'm-going-to-eat-this-cow." She gave disgusting pinkish milk that would always reain untouched by myself and the rest of the Creamery gang. We all knew it would only be a short while before Dame Louise was hacked into several large steaks. Soon enough, Chopping Louise Steak Day rrived. As Louise stood there, waiting to be divided among my Creamery comrades, I enjoyed a tall glass of Doris's best skim. With a mouth full of tasty Dorismilk, I glanced over to the Dame, who was staring at me with her beady, almost-steak eyes. I was transfixed by her stare, unable to look away. At that point, Dame Louise muttered something in Cow and released me from her stare. Something felt different immediately, though at first, I couldn't be sure what. I shrugged it off and gulped down the rest of Doris's delicious offering. And I was overcome almost instantly by a gut-wrenching pain.
Dame Louise's Steak Cow curse has prevented me forever from enjoying Doris's milk, or any other milk product. I now spend my days in a haze of Lactaid pills and Silk. So to make a short story much, much longer than it should be, I will say this: Lactose, I do love you dearly. But I can no longer have you, and in the most selfish act of self defense, I have chosen to despise you instead, as the inedible milk sugar sitting just beyond the horizon of my gastrointestinal system. My hate is the only thing that keeps me alive. That and food (non-dairy, of course), shelter, and tons of booze.
