Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

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Features --> Ask an Elephant

Archives: September, 2002

(09-30-02)
The Truth asks: Hey Geoff, I'm an aspiring goon, and I hear you're putting a goon squad together to intimidate people into coming to your show. How can I get on this squad? I'm fairly tiny, but I can bring my own brass knuckles (made with aluminum foil and 'lectrical tape).

Geoff answers: Your question is not an uncommon one. As Goon Squad Coordinator, I get all sorts of requests to join said squad. Unfortunately we are not currently accepting applications. Not only have we reached our quota of brass knuckle mini-thugs, we have reached capacity in terms of: enormous club-thugs, knife-wielding sneaky thugs, treacherous thugs with an eye on the family business, machine gun toting thugs, clown thugs and invisible thugs. There IS an opening for acid-deformed busy work thugs, but it sounds like you're overqualified for that. Don't get discouraged though! With the ingenuity you showed in fashioning your own brass knuckles you've essentially "punched" your own ticket to eventual goonhood! That's a little goon humor. Get used to it, pal.

(09-24-02)
Interested Party asks: Hey Geoff, did you e-mail Aunt Meg about your Oct. shows?

Geoff answers: YES, interested party. Could you stop nagging me for two seconds, interested party? I'm an adult now, interested party, I can take care of my own responsibilities. I need to start worrying about my own interesting parties with my own interesting RSVP's and my own interesting punchbowls. Oh, stop crying interested party. You know I'll always be your interested party guest.

(09-23-02)
a kindred spirit asks: Hey Stefan, I like Pad Thai too. Wanna get together sometime?

Stefan answers: I am intrigued. Very intrigued. How 'bout meeting me at the Howard Johnson next to Sunshine Cinema? I'll bring the Pad Thai. You bring your fine-ass self.

(09-22-02)
Jeff Fan asks: Hi Jeff. Today I was trying to make some pumpkin chocolate chip bread, when I noticed I was out of baking powder. I ended up borrowing some from my upstairs neighbors, but I was wondering: is there anything one can substitute for baking powder? (It should be noted that I did have baking soda on hand.) Thanks! P.S. I love you!

Jeff answers: First of all, thanks for being a fan. Of me. I love all fans of me, so the good news is: your love is a requited one! The bad news is: there's no perfect substitute for baking powder. Indeed, this question has plagued food scientists for centuries, and a number of substitute formulas have been postulated. Of the more successful variations, I submit: 1) 5/8 teaspoon cream of tartar + 1/4 teaspoon baking soda for 1 teaspoon baking powder 2) add 1/4 teaspoon baking soda to dry ingredients and 1/2 cup buttermilk, sour milk, or yogurt to wet ingredients, decreasing another wet ingredient by 1/2 cup (also substitutes for 1 teaspoon baking powder). The real hot button in the endless baking powder debate, however, is STARCH. Some men unrelentingly assert that cornstarch must play a role in all b.p. substitution, whereas others feel that adequate leavening can be achieved without said starch. I will leave it up to you, Jeff Fan, to make the Starch Decision for yourself. I made my own personal Starch Decision long ago, and it changed me, truly. I hope you have the same glorious experience.

(09-11-02)
Francophile asks: Hey Elephant Larry, Wow! "Tout Suite"? Are you french, Mr. Elephant Larry? (... Or should that be "monsieur" Elephant Larry... ?)

Elephant Larry answers: Non, pas du tout. L'éléphant Larry est américain à travers et à travers. Bien que nous ayons été connus pour apprécier un vin français de temps en temps. Pour répondre à votre deuxième question, juste l'"éléphant Larry" est très bien.

(09-11-02)
Writers Block asks: Hey Elephant Larry, Recently, me and some of the boys at the office were trying to start a little musical band, but we've been having trouble finding lyrics for new songs. Usually we like to sing about love and how much we totally dig our girlfriends, but that doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. I know you guys have written a song or two, so I was hoping you could help us think of some new ideas for songs.

Elephant Larry answers: Ha, ha. Oh Writers Block, if we helped you think up some new ideas for songs, that would be called "idea theft." No, we can't do that. But we can tell you this: write what you know. If all you know is girlfriends and love, then bully for you, that's what you'll write about. But what about the office? Or boys? Or what about being a musical band? There are three thing you mentioned in your letter that you haven't even written about yet! Come to think of it, now that we mentioned those, you can't use them. Idea theft. Sorry. Write about something else you know.

(09-09-02)
A Fine Young Elephant asks: Hey Elephant Larry, As an elephant who's been in the game since back in the day, do you have any tips for a young elephant trying to break into showbiz??

Elephant Larry answers: Well, I don't know if I've been around since "back in the day," as you youngsters say. I certainly don't "kick it old school," or "lay down the phat beats so yo homes gets all up in dat biznatch, aiiiiiii?" But I do know how to break into show business. And the one piece of advice I can give you is: Make sure your father is the CEO of Warner Brothers. For me, that helped a lot when I was trying to break into "the biz." I think it might help you too. Also, always remember to keep it real, homes. PEACE!