Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

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Features --> Ask an Elephant

Archives: December, 2002

(12-23-02)
A Little Elf asks: Hey Elephant Larry, what's on your Christmas/ Hannukkah/ Kwanzaa/ Festivus lists?

Elephant Larry answers: Wow! A little elf! Up until now, I've only seen gigantic elves, so welcome. Well, little elf, the EL boys were sitting around a roaring fire, sipping eggnog, discussing this very subject just the other night. I was hidden in the chimney, furiously writing down their holiday wishes on a pad of soot covered paper, so I got yer answer right here, elfie:

- Chris: The two front teeth of every child in the United States.

- Geoff: A little reverse psychology for ya: I'm asking for coal. Santa is such a sucker!

- Stefan: Stefan is hoping Santa brings him a box of Shredded Wheat. With its 100% natural whole grain wheat, Shredded Wheat is Breakfast Done Right.

- Jeff: A menorah.

- Alex: Hope. The hope that lives in the heart of every child. The hope that rides on the wings of a dove. The hope that shines down upon the world on a Summer's day, or from the clear starshine of a Winter's night. But more than anything, the hope that SOMEBODY will buy me a Gamecube. Preferably with that new Metroid Prime game. Metroid is awesome.

Oh, and just a quick question for you, Elf. I saw Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers last night, and I was just wondering: Since Legolas is defending Middle-Earth, and is therefore not heading to the Undead Lands with the rest of the elves, will he be trapped in Middle-Earth forever? I'm just worried about Legolas. I hope he's okay. Thanks.

(12-20-02)
Cliff the Zombie asks: Why can't I stop thinking about BRAINS?!?!?

Chris answers: Well Cliff, though your self-imposed classification as "Cliff the Zombie" immediately brings to mind several reasons (or perhaps ONE major reason) for your, what appears to be, obessive thoughts about brains, I'm hesitant to jump to any conclusions.

You see, there are many aspects of your life I have yet to learn. For instance, perhaps you're studying neurobiology at the local university. Now THERE would be a perfectly logical answer to your question. Or perhaps you have a strange dyslexic fixation on your two brothers, both named Brian. You see, Cliff, I just don't know, nor do I know you or your brothers well enough to come to any viable conclusions through this limiting "Ask a" medium. Good answers must be well thought out and well researched. Perhaps you'd like to get some coffee some time to discuss the matter. If that's the case, I'm quite sorry but I'll have to decline.

(12-17-02)
Secret Admirer asks: Hey Chris, how come you're so unbelievably gosh darn cute? Sigh...

Chris answers: I eat puppies.

(12-13-02)
Mr. Green asks: I just had a quick question for Kyle -- (hands on hips) "Kyle, what are you thinking? You're not going to use that Time Portal are you?"

Elephant Larry answers: Huh? Kyle? Sssssssssssssssorry, Mr. Green. No Kyle here. But we have, in fact, gotten our hot little hands on a nifty Time Portal. And we'll tell ya this: we are certainly NOT going to use it to go back in time and beat up Herman Melville. Hoo-boy, would THAT be a bad idea.

In fact, we have decided not to use our Time Portal at all. It's dangerous and wrong! It could have serious rammifications on not only the future, BUT THE PAST AS WELL. Specifically France's past, which is a pretty cool past. So we decided to lock it up in our basement and stack dictionary after dictionary on top of it. Unfortunately, 7,000 years from now Elephant Larry Octomillion found it and wreaked havoc with the timeline. So there is a Kyle now. Friggin' Elephant Larry Octomillion.

(12-12-02)
Genna asks: I have a friend who recently attended your show, and ever since he's been eating my brains and the brains of all of my friends. Should I be concerned?

Elephant Larry answers: Well, there's two things to consider here, Geena. First of all, is all this brain eating adversely affecting your behavior? Are you finding you have loss of motor control? Is your skin falling off, and you find yourself attracted to places filled with delicious humans? If so, this may be bad. Unless you feel good about it, then it's not bad. Nothing that feels that good could be bad, Geena.
The second thing to consider is how good of a friend is this brain eater of yours? I mean, if he's like, your best friend or something, you should totally be concerned. That's what friends do, we care about each other. So next time he lurches over to snack on your brains, sit him down and have a talk with him. Tell him you're worried about his behavior, and wish he'd stop. Tell him you love him, but you're not IN love with him. Well, maybe not the last one, but you get the point.

Just remember, Geena: We all like to head out after work and eat some brains to relax, but we need to do it in moderation. Make sure one member of your party is a designated non-brain eater, and can take everyone else home after they've slammed a few Cerebrums. Be a local hero: Don't eat brains and drive and definitely don't eat brains ever ever ever.

(12-11-02)
Previously, on "Ask an Elephant"
In November, Taryn asked Chris if he was available for dating. Turns out, he was starting to get involved with Jenny B, an old highschool class mate who e-mailed him out of the blue. So he turned Taryn down to be with Jenny...
And now, an all new "Ask an Elephant"
***********************

Amy Lee Bennett asks: Hey Chris! Dude, I got that e-mail from Jenny B too... and so did my 56-year-old FATHER!! He wrote me this proud message saying "I still got it..." Gosh, whattaya make of that? That girl gets around! How'd she manage to go to high school with everybody from Cornell??

Chris answers: Look, Amy. You’re not the first to contact me about Jenny’s so-called "infidelities." Let me just say, I am disgusted by all these e-mails concerning my relationship with Jenny B. Enough is enough, everybody.

Jenny and I are happy. HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY. And you know what? I don’t CARE who she’s talking to, okay? I don’t CARE when she e-mails you, your friends, the guys in Elephant Larry, OR your dad. And you know what, Amy? I’m sorry, but I never liked your father anyway. He was a meathead in high school and he still is today.

All I do know is this: Jenny’s great, and I for one think it’s pretty cool that she can be so open and honest about her feelings. She’s a sensitive, affectionate person. That’s who she is, Amy. That’s who she is. But don’t take my word for it. Maybe instead of rushing to judge, you should talk to Jenny yourself: 5050Dating. That’s where a bunch of her girlfriends and her hang out. You’ve got to come up there.

Think of what this world could be like if we were all so open and honest with one another. As honest as Jenny is with ALL of us.

Thank you, Jenny B. Thank you.

(12-10-02)
Tom asks: Hey Elephant Larry, I saw the Precinct last week. Great show! Are Officers Goldberg and Jenkins best friends? They seem to have a love-hate relationship.

Elephant Larry answers: Thanks Tom, I'm glad you liked the show! And picking up on the Goldberg/Jenkins dynamic... That's very astute of you. The thing is, Goldberg and Jenkins used to be partners. They did everything together, including driving around in their squad car, catching criminals, and eating lunch. But after a few years, something terrible happened. Something so terrible, neither one of them ever talked about it ever again. So no one knows that Goldberg accidentally KILLED JENKINS! That's right, Jenkins is a dirty zombie!

Sounds pretty horrible, right? Until you realize that you introduced yourself to Jenkins last week after the show, and when you shook hands, he lightly nibbled on your brain. That's right, you became a dirty zombie, too! Good luck dodging my shotgun blasts, ya undead freak.

But to answer your question directly, Goldberg LOVES Jenkins, but HATES zombies. So there's your love/hate relationship. BAM! Calm down, that wasn't a real shotgun blast it was-- BAM! Kidding, kidding. Tell your dirty zombie friends to come see the show, you dirty zombie.

(12-09-02)
Col. Mustard asks: Hey Elephant Larry, I was just wondering, did Sticky Pete and HTML for Dummies grow up in the same neighborhood? They sound really similar. You must respond without using the letter R.

Elephant Larry answers: That's an excellent question, since Sticky Pete and the second one exist only as sketch comedy ideas. I mean, did Moby Dick and Nicholas Nickleby live in the same place, just because they both have wacky names? To be honest, I know that statement you made happened because both voices came out of Stefan, but come on. Just because someone has the same voice as someone else, doesn't mean the two lived in the same place, it just means the two of them be siblings.

(12-03-02)
Veeves asks: Hey Elephant Larry, I caught Elephantoberfest with some friends and we loved it! I have a bunch of friends keyed up to come to The Precint this week (7 and still counting), but it doesn't seem that we can reserve tickets online. Do you expect that Thursday's show will sell out? If so, would it be possible to reserve tickets through you rather than going through SmartTix?

Elephant Larry answers: Veeves! I'm so glad you liked ElephantoberFest! Hey, I guess since you came to our last show, and are planning on coming to our next show, we should just let you hurt our feelings, right? Do you know how hard Jeff works on those e-mails he sends out? He spends hours trying to come up with the perfect wording, so it's completely clear how you, our dear, dear audience members, can buy tickets to our shows. Chris spent the past month researching ticket sellers, and figuring out a more efficient way of getting tickets to YOU. And Geoff... Geoff's fingers are bleeding from the tickets he individually drew with his crayon set. He was going to glitter-magic everyone's names on them. Now, he's crying too hard to do anything.

Oh, hey, I have an idea. My own MOTHER can't reserve tickets, but we should let someone who hides behind a fake name and pretends to have friends WALK ALL OVER US.

Tickets are currently on sale for The Precinct through SmartTix. It's a big theater, but you should probably go ahead and buy tickets in advance, anyway. That way, we can pay for the trauma counselling Stefan'll need after this "incident." Also, your question killed Alex.