Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy Elephant Larry: Sketch Comedy

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Archives: Zombies!

(12-10-02)
Tom asks: Hey Elephant Larry, I saw the Precinct last week. Great show! Are Officers Goldberg and Jenkins best friends? They seem to have a love-hate relationship.

Elephant Larry answers: Thanks Tom, I'm glad you liked the show! And picking up on the Goldberg/Jenkins dynamic... That's very astute of you. The thing is, Goldberg and Jenkins used to be partners. They did everything together, including driving around in their squad car, catching criminals, and eating lunch. But after a few years, something terrible happened. Something so terrible, neither one of them ever talked about it ever again. So no one knows that Goldberg accidentally KILLED JENKINS! That's right, Jenkins is a dirty zombie!

Sounds pretty horrible, right? Until you realize that you introduced yourself to Jenkins last week after the show, and when you shook hands, he lightly nibbled on your brain. That's right, you became a dirty zombie, too! Good luck dodging my shotgun blasts, ya undead freak.

But to answer your question directly, Goldberg LOVES Jenkins, but HATES zombies. So there's your love/hate relationship. BAM! Calm down, that wasn't a real shotgun blast it was-- BAM! Kidding, kidding. Tell your dirty zombie friends to come see the show, you dirty zombie.

(12-12-02)
Genna asks: I have a friend who recently attended your show, and ever since he's been eating my brains and the brains of all of my friends. Should I be concerned?

Elephant Larry answers: Well, there's two things to consider here, Geena. First of all, is all this brain eating adversely affecting your behavior? Are you finding you have loss of motor control? Is your skin falling off, and you find yourself attracted to places filled with delicious humans? If so, this may be bad. Unless you feel good about it, then it's not bad. Nothing that feels that good could be bad, Geena.
The second thing to consider is how good of a friend is this brain eater of yours? I mean, if he's like, your best friend or something, you should totally be concerned. That's what friends do, we care about each other. So next time he lurches over to snack on your brains, sit him down and have a talk with him. Tell him you're worried about his behavior, and wish he'd stop. Tell him you love him, but you're not IN love with him. Well, maybe not the last one, but you get the point.

Just remember, Geena: We all like to head out after work and eat some brains to relax, but we need to do it in moderation. Make sure one member of your party is a designated non-brain eater, and can take everyone else home after they've slammed a few Cerebrums. Be a local hero: Don't eat brains and drive and definitely don't eat brains ever ever ever.

(12-20-02)
Cliff the Zombie asks: Why can't I stop thinking about BRAINS?!?!?

Chris answers: Well Cliff, though your self-imposed classification as "Cliff the Zombie" immediately brings to mind several reasons (or perhaps ONE major reason) for your, what appears to be, obessive thoughts about brains, I'm hesitant to jump to any conclusions.

You see, there are many aspects of your life I have yet to learn. For instance, perhaps you're studying neurobiology at the local university. Now THERE would be a perfectly logical answer to your question. Or perhaps you have a strange dyslexic fixation on your two brothers, both named Brian. You see, Cliff, I just don't know, nor do I know you or your brothers well enough to come to any viable conclusions through this limiting "Ask a" medium. Good answers must be well thought out and well researched. Perhaps you'd like to get some coffee some time to discuss the matter. If that's the case, I'm quite sorry but I'll have to decline.

(2-24-04)
Priscilla asks: Hey Elephant Larry, are you pirates?

Elephant Larry answers: Hey Priscilla, are you Queen of the Desert? Ha! Just kidding, I know you're probably not. Although fun fact: Before Hugo Weaving was the nefarious Agent Smith in the Matrix movies, and before Guy Pearce was tattooing facts on his body in "Memento," they both played flamey drag queens in the Australian art house hit from whence you take your name. Good movie, by the way.
Okay, down to business. I'm going to avoid all un-hilarious and insulting butt-pirate jokes about Stefan and Jeff, and give you a straight answer. Yes, we are all pirates.
Although we've been doing quite well financially from the plethora of shows we do around New York, we were knocked for a loop when we found out that Geoff needed a kidney transplant. We were in the middle of discussing our dreams from the previous night (Stefan had a very vivid nightmare involving Hugh Grant and some spiders), when Geoff looked up at us and said, "I only have six months to live." Turns out, he couldn't afford a kidney transplant operation. Neither could we, even with all the change in our pockets.
There was only one thing to do.
We immediately hopped into Chris's Frigate, and set sail for the Caribbean. Once there, we recruited some of the swarthiest sea dogs in the seven seas, and proceeded to rape and pillage our way across the waters, stopping in Tortuga for a spell to perform a command show for the Governor and his comely daughter.
After several months of adventuring, it turned out that Geoff didn't need an operation after all. The warm and salty sea air had rejuvenated Geoff's vital organs. His kidney was working as good as new.
With his health on the mend, and Alex dead from an attack by the British fleet, our boys returned to New York, ready to face a new life, with their new-found wealth.
So to actually more specifically answer your question, we WERE pirates. Now, we've used our ill-gotten gains to fund a major motion picture based on Stefan's dream, starring Guy Pearce as Hugh Grant, and Hugo Weaving as the evil Spider Queen.
Well, I think that wraps up everything. Until next time, I'm-- Oh no, Alex has returned from the dead! And he's captured the Governor's comely daughter! To the frigate!

Will Zombie Alex make the Governor's comely daughter his twisted bride, or will our boys be able to stop him in time? Is Geoff's kidney really cured, or is he harboring an even more deadly secret? And what does the evil Spider-Queen have to do with all of this? Find out next time on... Ask an Elephant!

(3-09-04)
Anonymous asks: Hey Elephant Larry, is a zombie boyfriend as good as a regular boyfriend? And if not, would geoff, stefan, chris or jeff like to go see a movie sometime? Just asking...

Elephant Larry answers: You know, this is actually one of the more frequent questions we get asked, ever since our hit sketch, "Zombie Boyfriend." My favorite bit is when Jackie, the girlfriend in the sketch, gets mad at Zombie Boyfriend for not remembering their anniversary, and then Zombie Boyfriend tries to eat her brains. Gets me every time.
In any case, I think the above paragraph, as well as the sketch, should ably demonstrate that a Zombie Boyfriend is just as good as a regular boyfriend. But just in case, let me illuminate some of the hilarious difference between men and zombies:

Men never ask for directions. Zombies only walk in one direction!

Men die, on average, before women. Zombies are already dead!

Men always leave the toilet seat up. Zombies don't even use toilets!

Men are useless, smelly louts. Zombies are walking corpses!

Anyway. I think that proves that Zombie Boyfriends are just as good as regular boyfriends, which invalidates the second part of your question.

But if you must know, Geoff, Stefan, and Chris would all like to see "Hidalgo." Jeff would like to see "The Passion of the Christ," for like, the sixteenth time. And Alex, though you didn't ask about him, is very excited for "Dawn of the Dead." Because he's a zombie. And your boyfriend.

(8-10-04)
Leigh asks: Who is "Schrodinger" and what was so special about his cat that you had to steal it? Does this have anything to do with Cat Corner?

Elephant Larry answers: Schrodinger's Cat is actually shorthand for the illustration of a principle of Quantum Theory. Basically, it says this:

- A cat, lets call him Mr. Whiskers, is thrown into a lead box. At the time, Mr. Whiskers is definitely alive, and seriously cute.

- We then throw a vial of cyanide into the box.

- At this point, while we wait for the ASPCA to report us, Mr. Whiskers may either be dead or alive, depending on whether he's broken open the cyanide vial or not.

- In fact, according to the Principle of Superposition, Mr. Whiskers is actually both dead AND alive, since we do not know his actual state.

Anyway, this explains something about particles at the subatomic level, blah, blah, blah. But what's the real lesson we learned here?

If you throw a cat in a lead box with some cyanide, it becomes A ZOMBIE! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Seriously, what the heck was Schrodinger thinking. "Oh, hey, let's create an army of zombie cats. This will illustrate a principle of how crazy I am."

This, if anything is a good reason to steal Schrodinger's Cat: to stop his Quantum Theory of Destruction and Mayhem.

And no, this doesn't have anything to do with Cat Corner, other than the fact that we can NOT stop writing about cats. And zombies. And Quantum Theory.