Features --> Restaurant Reviews
Astorbucks
13-25 Astor Place
New York, New York 10003
Phone: 212-982-3563
Ah, Astorbucks. The nexus of the Elephant Larry comedy writing factory. At any given point, no less than two and no more than five Elephants (Larries? Elephant Larries?) can be found at the Astor Place Starbucks, furiously working away at their next sketch. And while that last sentence was just a joke, it’s not far off either. But who cares! Enough about us, let’s talk Starbucks!
Bigness: I can’t stress this enough. The Astor Place Starbucks is simply huge. Astorbucks is the only ‘bucks I know of that has what amounts to a lobby. The ceiling has to be 40 feet high, and talk about spacious! The bigness makes the easily-50-feet-long counter seem more like a reception desk. I half-expected someone to take my bag, but that’s just because I’m deathly afraid of being mugged.
Beyond the lobby, you have two (count ‘em!) glass encased terrace-type things off to either side of the main entrance. These are fine, but the chairs there are a little high. I’m not a tall man, and I like my feet to reach the ground, thank you Starbucks. Though on the plus side you do have a great view of Cooper Square and... Barnes and Noble.
Perhaps coolest of all is the raised area. Plateau, I guess. The plateau is in the main lobby room but it’s raised two steps and is fenced off with metal bars! Can we say awesome? Being on the plateau makes me feel like a king, because it’s very hard to get onto the plateau because everyone likes being there. With their laptops.
The one drawback to such bigness is that Starbucks completely skimps on the lighting, using their regular 22-watt bulbs in a space three times bigger than their regular stores. It might be to hypnotize you, Starbucks-style. But I’ll get into that later.
Lighting: The lighting is bad. I just said this.
Wares: The variety! Basically, each Starbucks beverages offers a different mix of two or three spices combined with a "seasonal spice" (cinnamon in the winter, ice in the summer) in an attempt to be au currant, climatically speaking. But we all know there are only a few things that truly go with coffee. And we also know it’s just a matter of time before they come out with their Chocaramelimmon Marshmelapple-splosion Frappu-hoticcino. And that time is when the seasons meld into one super-season. I’ll spare you another word-mixing joke.
Is it good? Eh. Whatever. I don’t drink coffee. Maybe Stefan should have done this place. I do enjoy the Heath Bar brownies.
Soul-Sucking Factor: High because it’s Starbucks, low because it’s big. It’s so big!
If You Have To Go To The Bathroom And Are Not Thirsty For $3.75 Coffees: You’re fine. Astorbucks is so frickin’ huge that they’ll never see you sneak in and out. I’m sure they wouldn’t approve of it, but what they don’t know can’t hurt them. Well, I guess it could hurt them, since it could tick off actual customers waiting in line for the bathroom, causing them to become so annoyed they leave early and don’t buy that extra pre-packaged sandwich. So I guess what I’m saying is what they don’t know they don’t know.
Music: Alternately bad and awful, usually dependent on how loud they’ve got the crap cranked up. Sure you’ll hear some Tracy Chapman or Rufus Wainwright, but you’re just as likely to hear Crappy Guy X or Turbo... Buster. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, the main problem is when it’s too loud. Ya can’t write any skits like that!
The... um... Clientele...: Ohhhhh man. All I can say is that I am still considering asking Jean SkirtGirl (of the Passaic SkirtGirls) to move to Europe with me. Inconveniently enough, I only saw her once. I believe my entry on the elephantlarry.com "Missed Connections" section will go something like this:
Jean Skirt Girl: You were cute and I was writing a skit with Stefan. Would you dump your boyfriend for me? If I had a girlfriend, I would dump her for you.
See, the thing was she was cute, but also gorgeous, which is a rare combination. It’s hard to explain, so I’ll leave it at that. Also Astorbucks gets some freaks.
Transportation: Easily accessible by the N/R and 6 trains and probably some buses.
Rating: All in all I give the Astorbucks four sets of three stars, two sets of two stars, a star and a half, and a star. That makes 18.5/24 stars, but as we all know some of those stars are more important than others. Astorbucks is a fine establishment to go to if you’re looking for a place to write a skit, a place to run some laps or, for the moment, a place to drink anything icy. Enjoy!
- Geoff Haggerty
