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Better Burger NYC
565 Third Avenue
at 37th Street
Phone: 212 949-7528
OR
I would say that there are about three levels to knowing me. If you know me on the most cursory of levels, you know that I'm into sketch comedy and the Yankees, probably because I've told you to come to one of our shows while simultaneously rooting for the Yankees. If you know me on a deeper level, I like to think you'd know that I'm a decent guy who tries to help when needed and otherwise minds his own business. And if you know me on the third level, the level where you know a little more about me than even I do, you know that I love ketchup.
About midway through my college career, some "friends" of mine pointed out how much ketchup I would put on things. I never really noticed before then, but I guess they were right. Ketchup IS delicious. Let's be honest; it's probably the best food there is. At least, it's supposed to be. This is where Better Burger fails miserably.
At some point, the folks at Better Burger got it in their heads that people didn't want preservatives and pesticides and DDT and whatever in their burgers. I guess they were right. But why, why did they have to change the ketchup? Was THAT hurting anyone? OK, maybe, but who cared? Not me. And who exactly was clamoring for specialty ketchup? (For those of you who don't care about ketchup, don't bother reading on. The rest of the review is even more ketchup-centric than the first half.)
Spiced Ketchup: Nasty. The liquidiest of the ketchups and thank goodness, because that meant less of it could stick to the fries. I guess there was some hot sauce in there, but why? Does ketchup need help? No, it doesn't.
Cajun Ketchup: Also gross. Again, why bother? Ketchup is fine as is. Adding some junk that makes it taste of blackened catfish is unnecessary and horrible.
Wasabi Ketchup: What? No way. I didn't even try this.
1000 Island Ketchup: Easily the best ketchup, so much so that I can say it actively did not suck. In fact it was great, so great that it nearly saved the entire meal. It's almost as if this stuff existed first and McDonald's special sauce was a knock-off of it. Which maybe was the case. But I doubt it.
Original Ketchup: And here's where it all falls apart.
The other ketchups are a sideshow, a novelty act. Even if you (somehow) like the other ketchups, they're the kind of ketchups you try, say "Mmm! That's yummy/interesting" and leave untouched for the remainder of the meal. It's in their nature; they're freaks and they know it. Regular ketchup is the backbone of a fast food meal.
Regular ketchup is supposed to be creamy. This ketchup is not creamy. It's chunky. Chunky's not even the right word...runny. Curdled. Splotchy. Those are the right words. It was also tasteless. No taste, bad texture. Are there any other qualities foods have? Oh yeah, it looked gross too. It glowed red. Which is not to say other ketchups don't, just that this had a red fingerpaint feel as opposed to the usual fake blood feel. There's a difference there somewhere.
Everything Else Besides The Ketchup: OK, I guess. The burger was totally fine, though I don't know about "better". The decor was sterile, much like every other new fast food place that springs up. And I guess there were some other details, but I don't care about them. The ketchup sucked.
I give Better Burger 1/3 of my new autobiography "Geoff Haggerty: From Sketch to Ketchup." Or for a rating system a little more applicable, 26/57 Heinz Varieties. Also, I'd like to apologize for talking about ketchup so much. It was probably pretty disgusting. Sorry!
- Geoff Haggerty
